To Sleep, Perchance to Die
by Aceidia
Summary: Coyotte Starrk sleeps too much. And what he doesn't know, doesn't kill him, right? What happens when the other Espada take advantage of his constant slumber for their own amusement? And what happens when Aizen finds out? Humor. No pairings, not a one-shot.
1. Chapter 1

"Shh…" Nnoitra Glgia whispered to Szayelaporro Granz as he peeked into the First Espada's large bedroom where Starrk Cyote and Lilynette Gingerback were fast asleep on their bed of pillows."Is it clear?"

Szayel nodded. "Yea…"

Nnoitra grinned and tip-toed over to the sleeping siblings and carefully removed the blue comforter. He made a gesture and Szayel crept over with the meat quilt the two had patched together and draped it over Starrk and Lynette's sleeping forms.

"This…" Szayel tried not to snicker as Nnoitra turned up the thermostat dial as far as it would go. "Is epic."

"I know!" Nnoitra whispered back, pointing to the door. "Wait 'till it warms up! It's gonna smell awful! We have to go now! I think he stirred! Run! Run!"

* * *

"Do you think we should be doing this?" Ulquiorra Schaffer inquired of Grimmjow Jagerjaques as he tied a pair of feet up in rope with sailor knots.

"Nah…" Grimmjow resisted a laugh. "He'll never know…"

"Until he wakes up, that is."

"No, no, Emo! Starrk is out for a good week! He and Baraggan hit the bar too hard last night."

"Yesh. What is with the booze around here?" Ulquiorra huffed, taking down Aizen's palace flag. "Getting drunk is so irresponsible. And so is this."

"What ever!" Grimmjow handed his friend the ropes. "Put him up there already!"

"Yes. But what about Lilynette?"

"She's sleeping in her room!"

"Oh." Ulquiorra let out a long sigh and glanced down a Starrk. "All right. It is his fault he sleeps in only his bloomers." With that, Ulquiorra hoisted a new flag over Los Noches.

* * *

Tia Harribel grinned.

It was too perfect.

"Give me the scissors." Tia demanded.

"Yes." Melrose handed her the pair from the kitchen.

"And the tweezers."

"Yes." Apache handed her lady what she wanted.

Tia's grin widened and she turned her attention to a sleeping Starrk.

Weapons in hand.

"Girls. It is time to give him a haircut and a facial tweezing."

"YAY!"

"SHHH!"

* * *

"Ah….." Yammy Llargo gave Baraggan Louisebairn a look. "What should we do?"

Baraggan glanced at snoring Starrk who was now missing a goatee and smelled like… something dead. The Second Espada looked at Yammy who was staring at the glass liquor cases. "Steal his booze! what else?!"

* * *

Zommari Rureaux frowned down at Starrk who was still sleeping.

This man slept too much for his own good.

It was time to wake him up.

Zommari held up a large gong up next to the sleeping one's head and smashed the mallet into it.

* * *

Aaroniero Arrurueire smiled.

This was going to be fun.

And why no one else had thought of it first, he had no idea.

"Hehe…." Aaroniero tried his best not to laugh as he put Starrk on his actual bed and dragged it through the hallways of Los Noches.

Aaroniero finally open the last door and drag the bed into the edge of the large very deep swimming pool…

"Sweet dreams…"

...that just so happened to be full with barracuda.

(Thanks to yours truly, Aaroniero Arruruerie), who watched the mattress float gently into the middle of the pool.

* * *

Author's note: Haha. This idea came out of the blue and there are going to be two other chapters. Thanks for reading.


	2. Chapter 2

"I am so disappointed in you!" Aizen screamed at his Espada who all look as guilty as hell from where he stared down at them from his throne.

Tia Harribel stepped forwards slowly. "Sir.. I am sorry. I am full of regret."

"Yes." Ulquiorra felt great shame for his actions. "We are quite sorry."

"Not…" Aizen began, his voice trembling with rage. "Not as sorry as I am! Because! Because, no matter how many horrible things you all have done to Starrk… he still dares to sleep in, damn it!"

"We are-"

"Don't be sorry, Nnoitra! Fix it! Fix it!" Aizen roared, making Gin and Tousen cover their ears. "I order you to all change this immediately! I want you to…to do something so horrid, Starrk will be afraid to go to bed! WIthout a nightlight!"  
The Espada looked at one another.

Was he seriou-okay, he was.

"We should…" Tia began.

Nnoitra hated to even bring up such a wild idea. "Maybe…"

"Team up." Zommari smiled. "For…"

Grimmjow liked this idea already. "One last ditch attempt."

"He'll never know what hit him." Szayel muttered.

"And," Aaroniero had to point out.

"We won't get in trouble…" Yammy laughed.

"Let's go talk." Baraggan opened another beer. "I'll bring the booze."

"Sweet…" Ulquiorra grinned for the first time in his life.


End file.
